Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
