What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
