I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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