didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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