party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
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