That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
