What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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