Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
