I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
