mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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