im drinking this country out of the recession.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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