ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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