im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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