We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
