I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
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