I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
That reminds me...we need to get swords
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
