I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Randomize
