I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
