i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I want to walk on stilts...naked
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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