all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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