I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
