He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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