Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
please don't ironically join a cult
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