Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's like heaven, but drunker
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
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