Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
