I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
