Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
