Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
