Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
