I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Randomize
