Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
bring money and cleavage
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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