Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
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I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
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You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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