i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
