When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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