A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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