I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
