I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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