im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
