Michael Bay diarrhea
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
