when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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