I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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