My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
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