She is in my trunk
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
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