You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
