Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
