Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
