Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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