you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
