New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
