i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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