he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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