Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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