im about as happy as oj after his trial
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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