just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
