We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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