i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
