just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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