Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
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