That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
